So I created this blog to talk about my artistic practice. I try not to talk about my feelings, but a question was posed to me last week and I think may be of relevance to many artists.
During rehearsals last week, our director Natasha asked us what we were most excited for and most scared of with this TNB young company tour. I've been thinking about this a lot. My answer was two sides of the same coin. I'm excited to have this contract with a professional company, and what will happen to my credibility if I do a bad job.
In Catapult, we talked about the impostor syndrome, not wanting to charge people the correct price for your services. It comes from not feeling good enough about the work you create. Apparently, this feeling never goes away, you just learn to handle it.
This is my first multi-month contract without some form of a training component. Placing that next to the level of professionalism TNB consistently pumps out leaves me a little daunted. In my brain, I feel under-qualified for the position. In reality, I'm a great for it.
So, I said this out loud in front of my cast and my director. Again, apparently, this feeling never goes away. Every new project feels like this. It's because the projects have stakes and I am invested in it. The more invested I am in the project, the more I feel like the world will end if I fail.
The goal is not to worry about failing, but creating a team of performers who can help you recover from it when you do…and that made me feel a little bit better.